Relational Development

              Knapps' Developmental Model

Coming Together

Initiating: 

The first encounter happened online. I texted first and it was a very brief introduction to our relationship. Small talk was part of this stage. The turning point was meeting up in person. 

Experimenting: 

After meeting in-person, we started having intimate conversations full of depth and breadth about music, European families, and our messages became long and full of explanations. 

The turning point was my ex-boyfriend's love message that he sent to express his emotions for me. This intensified our romance. 

Intensifying: 

We started hanging more often than before. We had a heightened physical intimacy and it was hard to let each other go after spending evening together either watching a movie or taking a walk.

The turning point was going to school together in the fall. There we had the same English class, where everyone came to know about our relationship publicly. 

Integrating: 

Our relationship was publicly registered as a social unit, because we held hands and kissed in school. This was also when I met his mom and immediate family. This was also the time he met my family as well. 

The turning point is absent.

Bonding:

We never had a commitment ceremony, because both of us didn't feel the need to verbally register ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. He never asked me to be his girl, because it was consciously obvious to both of us that we were a romantic social unit. This is a stage I skip even when I make friends. I usually never ask someone to be my friend- they just are. 

                                                   

                                                                                     Coming Apart

       

    Differentiating:

Turning point: Our relationship became more focused on major differences. 

  As we spent more time dating, we realized that I am open about my emotions and he is not, so we had many conflicts about not sharing problems openly. Our differences made us stronger and we often made jokes about how different were in terms of political affiliations and social issues. For example, he was more of a Republican, and I was liberal.

Circumscribing:

Last summer, both of us started working overtime, so we didn't have time to hang out as often. It frustrated me, but it didn't frustrate him. Overtime work increased my depression and I started harming myself. I never told him and often pretended to be happy when I wasn't. I withdrew mentally without him knowing about it. 

                                                      Stagnating:

The turning point for this stage was when I started voicing my concern about him working overtime and coming home so late that we never had time to properly spend time together. He ignored my concern and kept on working overtime without ever talking it out with me. 

Both of us continued working overtime and spending time with each other significantly less. I kept enjoying time spent with him; however, my ex-boyfriend never really seemed to have fun.   

                                                          Avoiding:

Turning point: I noticed that Dorian stopped showing me affection by refusing to spend time with me privately and denying my non-verbal request for a kiss. 

He gradually stopped hanging out with me by coming up with excuses such as " I need to work and I am busy". 

                                                           Terminating: 

Turning point: My ex-boyfriend learned that I have been harming myself, so as I later learned he decide to break up with me. 

One night I came over and I asked what was bothering him and then he finally confessed to wanting to break up with me. 

We are currently in an Occasional Contact relationship characterized by small talk and occasional phone calls. 

According to this model, we are in Experimenting stage, where both of us engage in small talk and commitment and communication is minimal. 

In a year of us breaking up- I see our relationship further distancing, because there is no commitment from his side to continue talking to me. I am usually the one who keeps in touch; however, Dorian is not interested in making our relationship better. In two years, I hopefully will be moved on and our communication will switch to be occasional, only during holidays. In five years, I do not see us communicating. I will consider him an acquaintance then. 

Knapp's relationship model helped me understand why this romantic relationship fell apart. The motives behind it were of course rooted in poor communication; however, I understand now that we didn't spend enough time in the Bonding stage to make this relationship last longer and have enough resistance to coming apart. The Differentiating stage came about so fast that both of us weren't ready to deal with the hardships.